I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
