This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
