My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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