I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
