I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
