Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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