no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
