I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
