apparently the secret to your success is patron
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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