I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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