After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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