I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
