I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
