she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
