You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize