I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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