Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
