Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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