I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
