Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
