Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
