Your mouth is God's brothel.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
