spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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