just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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