i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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