she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
