Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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