Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
