You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
