I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't turn off my feet"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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