my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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