please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
