Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just sent this text using only my big toe
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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