Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
