Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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