I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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