So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
NoShamevember. You game?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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