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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
