I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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