Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
