Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
