If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
