he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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