I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
