I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
