You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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