"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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