Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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