if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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