he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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