well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
