I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
