I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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