Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The power of my boobs compel you
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
