she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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