Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
