I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
